Month: April 2020

Wednesday April 15th my eldest daughter turned 5. This year her birthday happened to fall during spring break and Covid. We planned to go to Hawaii with my in-laws for a week, and had looked forward to playing in the warm ocean and eating endless amounts of pineapple and shave ice. When the closures surrounding Covid began we realized that her celebration would be different, little did we know how different.

I love a good reason to celebrate as long as it doesn’t force me to be the center of attention. My kids birthdays are an excuse to Pinterest, craft, and plan all in the name of love. The hope is that my daughters see this as an extension of my love and that they are surrounded by people that truly care and celebrate them. This will be the third year my daughter hasn’t had a traditional birthday, and that is a new tradition for us.

I have struggled with her disinterest in almost all things surrounding a traditional birthday celebration. She doesn’t want a party with all her friends and tons of presents which is what I had growing up. She definitely wants to call all the shots on that day, watch lots of movies, and get to eat desert after all meals. The past few years I have tried to honor her and how she wants to celebrate, channeling my inner party planner for an epic 4th of July bash.

Turning 5 is a milestone. Every day that passes I see Orly become her own person. How do we celebrate this milestone in our family? Well it takes discarding some of my own baggage. I want to have the Pinterest worthy party with the singing and the goodie bags. My daughter wants to pick out a Frozen 2 cake and lay around in her pajamas with us, that’s her idea of perfect.

Where does this baggage come from? I think if I take an honest look it comes from the pressure to fit in and the “keeping up with the Jones’s” mentality. I have to ask myself why do I want a party? I want it because I like to have people celebrate my awesome kid. I also want her to get the attention, and somehow that somehow that attention will make her feel loved. Truth be told, spending the day with her favorite people is what makes her feel loved. When I am in a big crowd it might meet some subconscious need of knowing I have friends but its truly my intimate circle that makes me feel loved and treasured. Thanks Orly for teaching me that I can be treasured by the people who love me, however large or small that group may be.

Orly will be the first to tell you this was her best birthday ever. This morning she reminded me how fun of a day she truly had. David and I found some balloons from a leftover party, spent hours blowing them up, and created an epic arch. Previously I would have been frustrated I had her unfavorite colors, and that it didn’t fit with the rainbow theme. This year I was forced to embrace that it had other awesome colors. We had pancakes, I wanted them to be unicorns, but had no idea what I was doing with a metal cookie cutter, so I threw in some food color. Again a major win in my daughters eyes, so what’s making me feel disappointed. Where did this idea, if it’s not perfect, its wrong come from? I thank children for giving me a perspective that can allow me to have more inner peace.

We skipped the morning walk, Orly was not walking on her birthday. After a movie, lots of playing, and treats we put little sister to bed and watched Trolls 2. We were all asked to wear pjs and I chose to not look at my phone during the movie. Some of the highlights of the day through her eyes were watching extra TV, everyone playing together, Ice Cream cake, and cuddles until she fell asleep. Wow, I don’t think my decorations and invitations could have made it better, but being present, and following her lead made it magical.

Following up my Pinterest craft post isn’t going to be easy but this was fun and educational. During the morning walk we often negotiate how many sticks, shells and bugs can come home. Today on our morning walk, we brought a small basket and collected things we found on the ground. I don’t let Orly pick anything living, and asked her not to put trash in the basket today. I taped two pieces of brown paper together, cut out a piece of cardboard (from a box) and we glued the flowers, stems, succulents, and other items to it. The arts and crafts project including the walk filled the entire morning but also sparked a question about earth, and earth day.

I love the tough questions. I think that acknowledging and making room for these questions is one of the most important parts of parenthood. Dr. Suess answers why earth day is so important in his book, “The Lorax”. If you haven’t read that book, I recommend it. The story talks about a group that finds a resource and then uses that resource up and the consequences. Earth day is April 22nd every year, the largest secular observance, and focuses on finding ways to protect the earth.

How do I talk about this with my child the answer is always honestly IMO. We can talk about upsetting things with our child in an age appropriate way – ALWAYS. So today I told Orly the truth, we have Earth Day because for many years people haven’t taken care of the earth in a sustainable way. That we take more than we need, make decisions that aren’t necessarily best but make money, and Earth Day is a special day to remember that we as people can make a difference. I asked her what she wanted to do to thank and respect the earth, that answer for her centers around trash, not littering and picking up other peoples.

The observance of earth time started during Vietnam. This was a time when our country was deeply divided. Everything was fragile and as the economy came back so did the environmental impacts. I think its safe to say things are fragile now, and that we have things that divide us. I hope that earth day is an opportunity to share how decisions have pros and cons from how long we shelter in place to if we drive versus walk. When we share our truth, kids learn how to make better more informed decisions.

A tradition is a custom or belief passed from generation to generation. When I think of the word tradition it makes me think of holidays; Hannukah, Easter, Christmas, Passover, New Years Eve, Memorial Day and my favorite July 4th. I have a lot of memories celebrating holidays in ways that were passed down and have spent a lot of time creating traditions for my family to pass down. What traditions do you have? What traditions do you want to create for the next generations? These are important questions because the way we relate to the world is often an extension of the way we connect to our family.

Wearing Christmas jammies, eating BBQ beef and broccoli on halloween, Having my aunt Joyce recite the 9 months of childbirth, these are all traditions that were passed down to me. But why are traditions so important, why do we put such an emphasis continuing some and cringe with anxiety about the pressure of others. Growing up my grandparents celebrated Christmas in the way of tradition more than religion. We had a sleepover with our cousins, wore matching pajamas (Lanz nighties), opened stockings and what seemed like a million presents, and ate bacon, donuts and crispy hash browns. This tradition was about family and spending time making memories, not about religion. Traditions unfold your family values in an experiential way. I didn’t think that my family was christian because we celebrated Christmas but I know that they valued good food and togetherness. The matching outfits have been something that I have carried down to my family, when we are all wearing the same thing we are part of the same crew, everyone knows we are together, family

My mom always made BBQ beef and broccoli on Halloween every year. No, I don’t make it every year for my family, this year we had pizza and candy, but every time I see BBQ beef I am reminded of a special time in my childhood. While these feelings are recalled, I smile, and almost feel excited to go ring doorbells. My dad also took of two weeks every August to spend time together in Southern Michigan. This was a new tradition started by my parents, and something I include my kids in. We go to Michigan and spend tons of family time playing games, swimming, walking, picking blueberries. It’s a haul to get to MI from Southern CA, but this tradition of making family time a priority was modeled for me. My family might not have had collections passed down but we found a way to share in a different way.

I love the idea of tradition, having customs to pass on and share with my family. I feel like having these customs illustrates to my daughters what I value. We always talk about gratitude, inclusivity and kindness so of course my customs come with large celebrations of all things; Passover, Easter, July 4th, New Years Eve. We invite loved ones and make sure that anyone who wants to come is welcome at our house. This is one of the places my values align with my customs, creating new traditions for my family.

So, what is a tradition that isn’t tied to a holiday or religion. That took more thought, a lot of the things that quickly came to mind were around cultural celebrations. Can where we sit at the table be a tradition? I don’t know but in the family I grew up in we all sat in the same place every night for dinner and my family does the same. Is it a tradition that we order out or go out every Saturday night? I think so, we value taking the night off.

There are some traditions that no longer work, and that have pain attached. Those are ok to stop, not all traditions need to be passed down from generation to generation. We were not allowed to decorate our house during December growing up, that no longer works for my family, and we hang ALL THE LIGHTS. My parents made us study without music and supervised, that doesn’t sit well with my husband, anything else feels foreign because of my upbringing, we will decide what our tradition will be as my kids get older.

This time has left me with a lot of time and no time. But, I am thinking about what I am passing on to my children. Am I sharing traditions that align with our current values, and am I releasing the ones that no longer serve us. We all come to the table with ideas about the way things should be, it’s painful to look and let go of some of those. What traditions are you sharing with the next generation? And what is leaving?